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WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: If all the world's a stage, then we all must work for wells fargo. [ chuckles ] get it? Wells f-- I don't work for them. Well, I'm up here. I'm producing and directing this television show for my uncle, and I love doing it for a lot of reasons, but I guess lack of alternatives would be pretty close to the top. And speaking of "pretty close to the top" and lack of it, here's my aforementioned uncle -- the star of "the red green show" -- here he is -- mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and welcome to possum lodge, where men are men and harold is understudying. Show them what you can do with your tasteless gimmick machine there, harold. Oh, you mean my special-effects ax. [ keyboard clacking ] [ laughs ] just a little taste of hollywood. Hopefully, not a lethal dose. Well, you should have been up at the lodge last night. A bunch of us were sitting around the woodstove talking about the differences between people and how irritating that can be. And we got some members here who have a big conniption over the least little thing, and then, on the other end of the spectrum, you got somebody like old man sedgwick, who can stroll down to the dock with his pants on fire and check the temperature of the water before he jumps in the lake. That's probably 'cause he uses his pant cuffs as an ashtray. Why does he do that? Well, I think on old man sedgwick, the part from the ankles down is the smoking section. Anyway, we all have a squashed butt in our pants once in a while, don't we? But, you know, it's -- it's kind of funny. If you're gonna play a trick on somebody, you don't pick somebody who isn't gonna get upset. You know, you go to the guy who's gonna give you the biggest reaction. So it's kind of strange that the fellas who are the ones who don't want to be bothered at all are the ones that get bothered all the time. That's ironic, isn't it? It's mean. Same thing, harold. I guess, you know, the two exceptions to that would have to be helmut wintergarden and moose thompson, 'cause these guys are huge and when they get upset, they have a habit of ripping your head off and throwing it down the two-holer. Well, with -- with that visual fresh in our minds, why don't we just move on to the next segment, you know? Unless, of course, you have a point to make. Whereas when I get upset, I fire people. You know, you can always take your time if you like. Take us into the next segment, there, would you, harold? Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Whatever you like, sir. [ keyboard clacking ] you know, harold, I can remember the days when we'd catch so many fish on possum lake that the water level would drop six feet or better. No way. There's no possible way that could happen. 'cause then the fish would be in the boat with you, causing him to displace his own weight in water, resulting in a zero net change in the perceived volume of the lake. What do you say about that, doc? What do you say about that? Well, all I know is that the water level went down eight feet. You said six. I was just being conservative in case you question me. Now I say the hell with it. Anyway, the water level was down at least...10 feet. We came in on our boats, and our prop cut all the waterlines. [ chuckles ] and the fishing boat went right underneath the dock. Yep, all I got to show for it, of course, was a bump on the head and a faceful of spiders, which I killed by slapping them with a speckled trout. Sounds like quite a day. Oh, golly. [ sighs ] my robert goulet albums are...Missing. All of them. Even "the best of..." well, that's good news. [ chuckles ] I'm just kidding, ed. Bob goulet's a friend of mine. What did you do with them, doc? Me? I wouldn't touch old bobbo's albums. Heck, the bob-meister and I -- we're like brothers. [ laughs ] I know it was you, doc. Last month, you took my special clipper for -- for unsightly nose and ear hairs, and you've always put down me and my -- my showbiz aspirations. Oh! My robert goulet albums are -- are missing. They're -- they're gone. They're just gone. Oh! Is that a problem? What don't you just get old doc there to send down to his friend bobby goulet? Maybe he'll send him up a set, huh? The old bobbo-meister, huh? Before the level in here sinks another eight feet. So, I hear there's been a theft. My robert goulet albums. Still, technically, it is theft. Can you describe those stolen items? Red: I can. I can. They're round, had a hole in the center, didn't they? Just slightly off-center -- a lot like eddie here. Do you have any suspects? There's your man! Eddie thinks I took the albums. We all know it was elvis who did it. [ laughs ] well, nobody's gonna treat me like a fool. [ chuckles ] I-I would think of offering a reward if the recipient were willing to donate the money to the possum lake little theater group, which I would start as soon as I receive the money. Hey, are you gonna need a bodyguard or some sort of personal protection? I don't think so. He will if he goes ahead with that little theater thing. [ sighs ] [ drums and guitar playing ] ♪ I love seeing lipstick in various shades ♪ ♪ from ruby red through purple ♪ ♪ into that light pink stuff ♪ ♪ that joey heatherton wore in her earlier days ♪ ♪ the sight of lipstick makes my libido take action ♪ ♪ reminds you of when uncle bob wears lipstick ♪ ♪ and I almost always have a completely different reaction ♪ ♪ but still... ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you what you can do with all those old hot-water heaters you got sitting out on your front porch. I know it's kind of fun just to watch them rust out as the seasons come and go, but maybe there's something better that you could do for yourself, for your neighbor, for all of mankind, or just for yourself. Have you ever -- you ever looked at a hot-water heater? I mean, really looked at one? Because when I look at this, I don't see a hot-water heater. I see a 12,000-cup coffee maker. I see the world's most private phone booth. I see a lawn roller. I see a beer cooler. I see a dandy place to keep magnets. But more importantly, I see a project. Now, you're gonna need an eggbeater, an aquarium, an oxygen tank, and a very understanding insurance agent. So, I guess they're not laughing now, are they? We've built ourselves a one-man sub. Now, I-I left the top part off here. What you do now is take that aquarium that I mentioned and invert that, turn it over, and put her on here, and make it sealed off with, say, silicone caulking or even duct tape, as long as it's watertight. And if you don't have an aquarium, you could use one of those pyrex roasting pans. It's your choice, really. So there you are, floating along, way down the -- the bottom of the ocean floor. And you can propel yourself forward with manual power. Take a look at this. All right, and then once in a while, you'll go, "up, periscope." I never really understood a periscope. And then when you want to rise to the surface, you just drop your ballast. And up you go. It's that simple. And I've got her mounted here on the launching ramp. You just slide this down into the water, but, of course, it's not gonna go anywhere now 'cause I got the wedges in place. But it's just that simple, and it's a lot of fun. I think you're gonna really enjoy your hot-water heater. So, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I did remember to put those wedges in, didn't I? "it is summer. "I shall never see a sky so blue. "I shall never see a cloud so white. "I shall never see another day like it because I looked into the sun with binoculars." wow, now we got eddie in a real flap over his missing albums. And then with doc as a suspect, you never really know where you stand. It's not that doc lies so much. It's just that he embellishes the truth to the point where it's unrecognizable, kind of like buying a hyundai pony fully loaded. Mind you, you should never buy anything when you're fully loaded. Well, not to worry, uncle red, 'cause noel's on the case. He's got all the private-detective equipment he's gonna need. He got it from the back of a comic-book ad. Noel is from the back of a comic-book ad, harold. Anyway, uh, noel's another guy who gets real upset, so adding him to the mix is kind of fun, too, you know. Old man sedgwick, now, he says he never touched the l.P.S, but he's offered a reward to anybody who steals the rest of them. And stinky peterson says he doesn't think the records are gonna turn up, but just to be on the safe side, he smashed the record player. So, of course, all these things are just bugging the crap out of eddie, so I'm -- I'm more or less in favor of them. You know, uncle red, I find this all incredibly childish and irresponsible. That's my opinion. Well, harold, if you can't stay young, you can at least stay immature. You know, I wonder if I'm ever gonna be able to continue taking part in this lodge. Don't tease me, harold. Boy, it's always so much colder up this end of the lake. Noel: Who goes there? Uh, it's me, noel. Uh, do I order fries through this thing, too? Do you have three pieces of identification? Well, I have my body. How many does that count for? Please step four paces back from the door. Oh, for god's sake. Oh. Hi, red. Just a second. [ thudding ] ow. [ thudding continues ] expecting relatives? Well, there has been a theft. Ow. Ohh. There's been a theft, which means a thief walks amongst us. A little extra security would be a prudent response for everyone except for said thief, would it not? Well, I can take my chances, noel, okay? That is a victim mentality. No wonder your life's a disaster. Me, if I'm confronted by a thief, that would make my day. You know, red... I have the strength and training to reach right into a man's chest, rip his heart out, and hand it back to him before he dies. Oh, my god. Oh. Can you imagine that? Oh! It'd be sick. Oh! Gooshing in your hand. I'd wear a glove, I guess. Starship entry number 406a. Reminder -- wear a glove when you're doing that heart-ripping thing. Well, I'm ready for them. What's your plan? Well, my plan is I don't have anything worth stealing. Kind of an "ounce of prevention" thing I do. Ever see "double impact"? No, no. Good flick. Great flick. The theater was crowded, was it, noel? Look, I come by 'cause I want you to see if you could, uh, find what happened to eddie's records, you know? You'll, like, search around in garbage and stuff. Light-years ahead of you, red. Item "a" -- a letter... To doc render from a certain lady friend. Where'd you find that? I opened his mail. Oh, so you also have the training to reach into a man's mailbox and take his letter. I had a warrant. Where is it? Well, it's in my good pants. But I wrote the warrant myself. I have the authority. It's in the charter. Well, I think you better give that back to doc render. All in good time. This is potential evidence. There are several overt references to the golden era of musical comedy. I got a theory here, red. Doc stole those records, and he sent them as a gift to his pen pal in the philippines. You want me to run that one down? No, not really. No. You're a sack of fat, right? You're soft mentally and physically, especially physically. Me -- I'm a rock. Strong, free like a rock. Great album. Well, I'll do the tough thing, and I'll phone that woman, and I'll find out your answer, and you probably won't even thank me. Well, you got that right, noel. That's why they say there's 1,000 fred macmurrays for every one clint eastwood. [ clicks tongue ] well, from the neck up, anyway. Oh. Oh, great. [ alarm blaring ] security. All stations. Security. All stations. [ film projector clicking ] red: Thank you, bill. Uh, this week, we're gonna build a campfire. And, uh, one thing you should know is we're doing it where there have been a lot of pesticides. That didn't really occur to us at the moment. Oh, oh. Thank you again. But, uh... Pesticides have been sleeked into the ground pretty heavy there over the last 60, 70, 80 years or so, and it seemed like a good place for us to build a campfire. Not gonna burn any brush or anything, so we're just trying to get some kindling together here. Bill's using the saw. I kind of -- I don't have time for things like saws. I-I kind of like a real good -- a real good ax. Look out there, bill. Okay. Breaks up the kindling and burns a lot better and it's just nice to lash at the ground. Kind of a fun thing that I do. Oh, oh, oh. There she goes again. It's hard to stick anything into the ground 'cause there's so much chemical in there. There's very little soil. So, anyway, we got the, uh -- the big logs. Bill's gonna light her up there, and -- get the match going. Come on, bill. Come on. Come on. Come on. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Bill, hurry up. And he still didn't get her going. But, you know, we could -- we could feel heat coming off the -- off the fire, and it wasn't even going yet. And that's -- that's very peculiar. But here again, I guess what was happening was that, uh, gosh, some of those, uh -- some of those pesticides and what have you apparently were -- were flammable. And, uh, we were -- we were very confused at this point, 'cause we could -- we could feel the heat and we could smell smoke, but there wasn't any fire. Oh, yes, there was. Yes, there was a fire there. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But, you know, bill always looks at the bright side, and then he figures this is gonna save him a lot of money in matches. Just at that. And then he thought maybe he should just put it out. You know, he's -- he's a trained, uh, firefighter -- bill is. I don't think that's how you put out a chemical fire, though. I didn't -- and then he got a good idea. If you can't get your wood to get on fire, you move your wood over to where the fire is. [ chuckles ] so, harold, I was going up and down the, uh, tv channels the other day and saw that music video one they got there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen that before? Well, uh, yeah, I've seen it before, but, you know, I always thought there was something wrong with it. I mean, the picture changes about 48 times a second. I thought maybe you needed a descrambler, you know? No, uncle red, that's the way music videos are -- fast-cutting, lots of images. What do you mean? How do you mean? I mean, what do you mean? I mean -- I mean, what's the point of it, you know? Well, it's an art form, isn't it? You know, I directed my best friend's music video for his band -- the slugs of attila. That's the band's name, right? They used to be called gaping chest wound, but that guy left the group, right? Harold, harold, don't explain that to me, okay? Oh, okay. All right. But see, music videos have lots of images, right? See, that way, they contrast the lyrics, thusly adding hidden meanings and poignancy and women in underwear. That's a very important motif. Oh, really? Yeah. You know, well, I watched for about 20 minutes, and, uh, I can't remember one thing that I saw. You know, it looked like the camera was attached to one of them machines they use to shake up your paint at the hardware store. Well, it's very easy to remember. Music videos only have three elements -- one -- women with huge cleavages. Two -- a guy standing in a pile of rubble singing. Or three -- it would be -- and probably the most popular of all -- people fighting. That's all you got to remember is those three, unless, of course, it's a country and western. Then there's gonna be, like, a guy on a horse and a woman sitting on a fence, you know. If it's heavy metal, there's gonna be, like, a guy in a burned-out factory singing. That's where they do those. And, of course, if it's rap, it's gonna be, like, in front of a brick wall -- a guy yelling. That's how you tell the difference. Well, uh, the one I saw didn't have any horses, didn't have any shaking camera, didn't have any factories, okay? Had the women with the big cleavages, and, uh, it had a lot of men shouting and fighting. Well, yeah, see, that -- that's an opera. Oh! So, uh, eddie's torn the whole lodge apart, you know, looking for these missing albums, or at least I've been told. I don't see any difference. I guess there's no harm done with this missing-album business, but it has drawn a lot of attention to bob goulet, and that bothers me a little. Hopefully we'll get the whole mess, uh, straightened out at -- at tonight's lodge meeting. We -- we'd all hate to think we had a thief among us. We know we have a womanizer, a liar, three con artists, two bullies, and a tightwad. I don't think that's a very respectful way to talk about your fellow lodge members. Oh, yeah, and a socially challenged idiot. Thanks for reminding me, harold. But, you know, a thief is -- is something else and surprising, considering we have nothing of any value up here at the lodge, I mean, other than the intangibles -- you know, friendships and, uh, petty jealousies, and, uh, I guess the arm wrestling. You wouldn't the thief to mess any of that up. I don't get it, uncle red. How come, like, you know, you guys are always borrowing stuff from each other, then wrecking it, then returning it, you know? What's the big difference, really? A big difference, harold. I mean, number one -- you get it back when it's totaled. And number two --- you can then borrow something from that guy and mangle it, especially if you know it'll upset him. Ha. There's so much to being a man that I have yet to really understand. [ screeching in distance ] oh, there it is. That's the call to the meeting. Come on, uncle red -- the day or reckoning. Let's get down there and find out what's going on. Yeah, okay, harold. Uh, well, we'll be able to probably straighten this album thing out pretty quickly, and then we can all get back to our normal lives, with the exception of harold, for obvious reasons. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Sit down. Wow, simon and theodore seem pretty anxious here. So, eddie, find your albums? That's not funny. We can prove that doc stole them. I didn't take them. You took them, mister. I didn't take them! Give it a rest. What about this lady friend in the philippines? I don't have any lady friend in the philippines, and I didn't take the stupid albums, huh? I thought you'd say something like that. Yeah. Maybe, uh -- maybe red would like to make a comment about that letter I showed you earlier today. I-I sure would. Uh, that letter was none of noel's damn business. Hey, hey, hey! What's sauce for the goose, red. Noel took that letter because doc took my albums. I did not. Several lodge members saw you take that stuff out of eddie's room last night, huh? I was borrowing a pillow. Can't you understand? Are you not listening, huh? Read my lips. I did not take the albums. We found an album cover under your bed. All right, you're right. I took them, sure. I took them. Yes, I did. And I even know why you took them. You took them 'cause you wanted to make a gift. I did not. I say you did. Well, I didn't. I say you did. All right, I did. Sure, you got me there. All right, uh, yeah, I took them 'cause I wanted to make a gift, uh, for eddie! [ indistinct shouting ] yeah, I wanted to make something for you out of the albums, ed. Oh, sure. Well, where is it? Oh, well, I'm not exactly sure where the darn thing's gone to. Actually, it's right back here. Oh! Hey! It's, uh -- it's an hors d'oeuvre tray, ed. I-I-I-I-I -- it's -- it's beautiful. I-I-I don't know what to say. Thank you. Yeah, I think that goes for all of us, doc. I thought we could have a bob goulet theme dinner one night, you know? Maybe fill the tray with chunks of ham. We could all wear album covers as hats. [ cries ] that's so thoughtful of you. I forgive you! Bob would have wanted to go this way... Well, just before I lose my entire meal, maybe we should turn to the man of the hour here. Uh, doc, why don't you get up and entertain us with one of your jokes, eh? Well, okay. Yay! Tell that funny one. Well, now, it seems there was this, uh, traveling salesman. [ laughs ] well, now, that's one of the reasons I never lose faith in man's ability to solve his own problems. It's gonna be a long time before eddie realizes that was more of a gift to us than it was to him. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I think I figured out what it was I said at that party last week that got you so upset, and I'd like to take my third guess tonight. If I'm wrong, I'm gonna have to go with a blanket apology covering the last 30 years, which I know you're getting real tired of hearing. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. anyway, he was putting the indoor/outdoor into the yakacon palace. Kind of a gift, I guess, whatever. And I don't know what it was, trying whacked carpet nails into the solid... [ laughs ] well, that was a long, long trip, boy. 45 days. Nothing but curried beef. Wow! [ laughs ] [ laughs ] anyway, this traveling salesman's out in the country, and he's tired and a little sleepy, and he sees this farmhouse off in the distance. [ laughs ] one of those lovely, you know, amish jobs. Kind of a hip roof.